Here’s my 2 cents on the “big issue” at hand. We (as a society) have made a mockery of marriage. Divorce is as prevalent in the church as out. Celebs marry and divorce as often as the rest of us redecorate the house. Calling it a “sacred covenant,” therefore becomes laughable. So since I still believe that marriage between 1 man and 1 woman is God’s design (and nowhere does the Bible call for any kind of officiating “ceremony”), take the word “marriage” away from all of us… We all have civil unions. And get out of the church. Until you are successfully married, say, 20 years (or maybe 30 or 40 or 50), the word marriage isn’t yours to use. Keep it sacred. Keep it special. Reclaim the meaningfulness of it. I’d give up MY right to have “marriage” in order to put it back in its place as a sacred, God-ordained, covenant.
What does it take to please people? Am I addicted to pleasing people?
I don’t think so. But I do not like to lose people, and I really hate for misunderstandings to burn bridges. But there are some people who insist on misunderstanding. They are looking for an excuse to drop me. Why do I fight that?
Because I do not like to lose people. No matter how tenuous a connection, the people from my past (friends, classmates, boyfriends, lovers, etc) have been in my life for a reason, and I resist letting them go. Not that I have intimate contact with them, but we remain connected by a thread, which can be tugged at any time if opportunity beckons. And I don’t mean opportunity to engage a relationship, per se, but a visit, a phone call… whatever. I am there for my friends who need me.
So, being faced today with a friend who is so angry and bitter and stubborn that he insists on quitting me… hurts.
But I have to remember… all my attempts at communication are rebuffed. HE is the one being silent and dark. He is the one who runs and hides. He is the one who dangles friendship like a string before a kitten. And makes out like *I* have been the problem all along in myriad ways. Makes me feel/sound desperate. Makes me feel/sound crazy. I am neither.
I am still here for the friendship. But I am not running after it any longer.
But I really dislike the feeling of being misunderstood. In this case, explaining things will not help. He is bound and determined to pigeon hole me as a crazy bitch, and my efforts will only confirm that in his eyes.
But I don’t like to lose people.
… but I would have to wait to be published until all the principles are dead.
Who am I? Who have I been for the past 40-odd years? (And they really have been “odd” years…)
It seems I am still tossed by winds of change and indecision. I sell my soul for the thrill of a moment. As long as I think I can keep it hidden, I indulge all manner of vices. What kind of a woman does this? What kind of a mother? What kind of a wife?
I have revealed myself (unintentionally, of course) to my kids as altogether human, and to a large degree, a hypocrite. I never thought I would be hypocritical. If there were ONE thing I could say about myself, is that I was authentic.
Now I find myself wearying of the tasks
that come along with such an average life
being an average wife.
As the minutes become hours, days become years (tick-tock tick-tock)
I find myself desperate to FEEL again, to be alive, to be loved, to be wanted. The future stretches ahead of me, certainly with it’s seasons and joys, as the kids are up and out of the nest and they find their own lives and loves and then later the season of grand-parenthood, retirement, all spent with my best friend, my husband, my companion … but in my heart and soul, I am still young, vibrant, and the familiarity of his love is as comfortable as a warm quilt. When I long for the unfamiliar, forbidden, exciting unknown… The igniting of a spark from a mere touch. A new pair of lips to kiss.
The future spreads out ahead of me, and I see only deterioration.
Is this what mid-life crises are? Is what I’m going through as common, as pedestrian, as banal as a simple mid-life crisis?
I want to be better than this. I want to choose honor. I need to respect myself. But what the hell do I stand for, at the end of the day? To impress someone who doesn’t even know me, not really, I am willing to give over my hard-won convictions?
Or was it merely a fever.
From the beginning, my life could have been a sitcom, but with a dark and sinister twist. Born into a blended family (Brady Bunch meets The Lucy Show), the “favorite” baby … but then sexually abused before age 10. Sexually mature in ways I cannot (in retrospect) fathom, as I recall the ages at which I did x y and z… And seeing my dear daughter come through those same ages with appropriate innocence and purity, thank God.
The teen years wasted since school came easy for me, I did not value the opportunity to learn, explore, find out new things.
College, another season of my life where, again, in retrospect, I look back and think — WHAT was I thinking? Not that I wouldn’t undo the wild experiences of my youth — or possibly even do more — because I don’t really regret the things I tried and did… I regret the things I SAID without engaging my brain first. I was NOT observant. I did NOT take time to learn about people. I was very capricious how I spent my time and affections. I learned about my world, about politics and history and literature. But i did NOT shut my mouth and open my eyes.
Marriage: Capriciously entered into, but luckily so very blessed with a good, decent man. he wouldn’t hurt me for the world. And yet… and yet… Is it a character flaw in me that I need and want passion, excitement and thrill? Is is too much to ask of any multi-decade relationship?
I don’t really expect answers. I just want to send this out into the void of the blogosphere. Here where I am virtually invisible and very much anonymous.
Are we the sum total of what we post to Facebook and our blogs? Is that our best face we turn to the world? Or are we brave, and transparent enough to be authentic, complete even in our flaws? Do we hide in the shadows, posting only a few innocuous notes from time to time, preferring instead to observe, spy, stalk? Or do we engage our social circles in a way that is genuine, in a way that makes real life interaction merely an extension of our online lives? Or do we shroud every comment in mystery, begging others to inquire “what’s going on?” Do we invite the drama from high school into our Facebook pages? Is the online wall an excuse to spew venom and air every little grievance? Or is it instead the “me-show,” all about me and my likes, dislikes, my breakfast-lunch-and dinners, my music, my art, my jokes, my exercise, my pictures, my befores and afters… is it merely self-promotion? Or is it a healthy venue to inspire and affirm? Does Facebook (used this way) provide the kind of validity-confirmation that some of us used to seek in the form of grades? Approval from teachers, parents and peers? Is there a serotonin or dopamine release when our pictures or pithy comments get “liked” sufficiently?
And wouldn’t it be healthy to FAST from FB for a while now and again, to remember that our value, our acceptability need really only lie in ONE place – in God’s eyes (or the secularist may say in our own eyes – that would be a discussion for another time)? Are we willing to answer these questions honestly… at least in our hearts of hearts? This is why some people have chosen to take a break from the FB phenomenon. And while I applaud it, I know that I won’t. It is a place for me to be me, to vent and to express… and never ever have I claimed to be perfect, so it is also my place to stumble and fall, and hopefully get a hand held out to me to stand up again.
I’ve been thinking about these things as I culled my friendship list. With the exception of a few dozen, everyone on my list I either REALLY KNOW in real life, or have had enough interaction with on Facebook to know that I don’t want to lose. The people I “really know in real life” are the hardest to cull, because … well, we know each other! It’s not that I worry their feelings will be hurt – like as not they will never notice that I’ve “unfriended” them. (And who came up with THAT concept…?!?! “UN- friending?”) No, I worry instead that the networking capabilities of the connection on FB will be lost. They may need me, or I them, some day, and unless it is a toxic relationship, I see no reason to cut them from my list. Sitting there takes up no space.
I realize though that I have added people on the barest of acquaintance, and it is possible they have no business seeing (and perhaps judging) my daily goings-on. So I have trimmed several HUNDRED from my lists. Even so, I have several different social circles in my life, and while there is a sufficient amount of overlap, I can usually identify ONE arena in which I know you the very best.